Ob - The Lighter Side
Q and A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Where you work matters
(In the days before ultrasound, and before Lamaze classes)
Three expectant fathers sat in a Minneapolis waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, you are the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," he said. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A short while later, another nurse came and announced to the second expectant father, "Sir, you are now the father of triplets!"
"Amazing," said the second man, "because I happen to work for 3M Corporation."
The first two men were passing out cigars when they noiced the third man looking as white as a sheet.
"Don't worry" said the first man. "I am sure everything is okay or they would have said something by now."
The third man did not reply; he kept muttering to himself over and over, "Why did I take that job at 7-Eleven? Why did I take that job at 7-Eleven?..."
Painless labor for mom and dad!
A lady and her husband, who went to the hospital to give birth to their child, heard of a new technology from the doctor, which would transfer the labor pain from the mother to the father.
The couple were both excited and very much in favor of it. The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would be too much for the father. They agreed and the doctor started the transfer.
The father did not show any signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The father was comfortable even at that stage and the mother delivered the baby. The couple left the hospital with the baby, literally painless and ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman dead on the porch!
What does Labor Feel Like?
A doctor who confirms a woman's first pregnancy asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Okay,...Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"A little more..."
"No. A little more..."
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
The Laughing Baby
A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard.
All the doctors and nurses were examining the little new born in front of the worried parents, but he kept laughing. He laughed, hands in tight fists, until tears were rolling down his cheeks.
During the initial exam, the pediatrician slowly unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right. Nobody in the room believed what was found in the baby's hand.
A birth control pill!
An unusual treatment
A woman went to the doctors' office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
Doctor, Ummm, We have a Question...
We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty Doc who was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a millon times.
I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....relations?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"